PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 




SOME NEW PLAYS 

"A" MOLLY BAWN# 35 cents. A comedy drama in 4 acts, by Marie Doran. 
7 male, 4 female characters (or by doubling, 5 male and 3 female). Time, about 2 
hours. Based upon incidents from a story by tl The Duchess." The story is woven 
about Eleanor Masserene {Molly Bawn), whose mother eloped with a young Irishman, 
which has so embittered her grandfather that he disinherited her. After many years 
of loneliness he sends for Molly. How the coquettish heiress wins the hard, old man, 
is worked out in the play sometimes in a comedy setting and again in strong dramatic 
tenseness. $10.00 royalty per performance by amateurs. 

■^UNACQUAINTED WITH WORK; or, Married in Thirty 

Days. 25 cents. A comedy in 5 acts, by O. E. Young. 6 male, 6 female charac- 
ters. 1 interior scene. Time, 2 hours. Charles Chester, a young man of leisure, 
succeeds in running up several bills. At last his landlord, Jacob Sharp, threatens to 
imprison him unless his board bill is paid. His aunt's promise to help him out for the 
last time if he marries within thirty days forces him to propose to every girl he meets, 
which naturally gets him into more trouble. Through his effort to get out of the 
tangle many funny situations arise. Among the characters are a very funny chamber- 
maid and her sweetheart, a darkey cook, a comical bellhop, a clever detective, etc. 

"fcWAlT AND SEE. 25 cents. A comedy-drama in 3 acts, by Helen C. 
Clifford. 7 males, 7 females. 1 easy interior. Time, zV 2 hours. At a week end 
party one of the guests endeavors to purloin an important document, compelling a girl 
over whom he believes he has control to assist him. While they are trying to open the 
safe they are discovered by the butler who proves to be an old trusted retainer of the 
girl's father. Although the man tries to fasten the guilt upon the butler and the girl, 
he is unsuccessful and a happy climax is reached. Among others it hasjan excellent 
soubrette role. 

* WIVES ON A STRIKE. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by Lillian 
Sutton Pelee. 6 male, 7 or more female characters. Time, 3 hours. 3 interior 
scenes. Costumes varied. At a meeting of the Wives Welfare Club, it is decided to 
"go on Strike" and Jane Spink is to make the test case. The wives' grievances 
greatly amuse Betty, a bride of 30 days, who boasts of her husband's angelic qualities. 
Her first offence of having supper late causes such a row that Betty also decides to 
"go on strike." Betty^s scheme to make her husband change^ his set ideas about 
woman's rights is the cause of all the mix-up. How the strike is won and the hus- 
bands taken back is cleverly depicted in the play. A parrot who swears at the right 
moment adds to the funny situations. 

"}ArHIS SISTERS* 25 cents. A farce in 1 act; by Beulah King, i male, 
and 8 female characters ; or 9 female characters as the male may easily be impersonated 
by a female character. 1 interior. Time, 30 minutes. Three sisters, who adore their 
handsome older brother, secretly plot to have him marry their particular friends" 
How their plans are all upset and matters finally smoothed out is cleverly told in this 
play. 

^SUITED AT LAST* 25 cents. A sketch in 1 act, by Elizabeth 
Urquhart. 7 females and a discharged soldier. i interior. Time, about 40 
minutes. Dorothy, a newly-wed wife, is in search of a cook; her mother, her chum, 
her Aunt Jane give much advice as to how she shall interview the various applicants, 
in fact, so much so, that Dorothy is utterly confused and finally engages just what 
her husband has advised from the beginning. 

^ENCORES AND EXTRAS. 35 cents. A collection of short mono- 
logues suitable particularly for encores, but are available for any occasion to fill in for 
a few minutes ; contains black-face, Hebrew, a fond mother, a rube monologue, etc. 

^GORGEOUS CECILE* The. *25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by 
Beulah King. 4 male, 5 female characters. 1 interior. Time, 2 hours. Max, the 
son of a wealthy widower, notwithstanding the schemes of his father and aunts, has 
remained obdurate to all of their matrimonial plans. Upon his return home for a 
visit, he finds, as usual, a girl whom it is hoped will subjugate him, but the hopes are 
frustrated, as it is " The Gorgeous Cecile" to whom he turns._ The parts are all good 
and well contrasted, with sparkling dialogue and plenty of action. 



SUITED AT LAST 

or 

Sauce Bordelaise 
A Comedy in One Act 



By 

ELIZABETH URQUHART 



Copyright, 1920, by 
Fitzgerald PublishiDg Corporation 



* 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

IS Vesey Street New York 



v 



OCT -9 1920 



©CI.D 5 5734 



Note. — The Moving Picture and Professional Acting 
Eights of this play are expressly reserved by the pub- 
lishers, to whom theatrical managers or others who wish 
to produce it should apply. Free to amateurs. 



Suited at Last 



Or 

Sauce Bordelaise 



CHARACTERS 



Dorothy. A bride in need of a cook 

Dorothy's Mother. .Frivolous, fashionable and modern 

Aunt Jane A housekeeper of the old school 

Geraldine Dorothy's friend, breezy and outspoken 

Miss Simpkins 



Cooks applying for a situa- 
tion 



Miss Nobby 

A colored Mammy and 

her two Children 

A Returned Soldier 

Time. — The present. Locality. — Any city. 

Time of Playing.— About forty-five minutes. 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Dorothy, a young bride, wearing a pretty summer 
dress. 

Dorothy's Mother, a middle-aged woman, frivolous 
and very fashionable, wearing a light summer dress and 
hat and carrying a parasol. 

Aunt Jane, a middle-aged woman, stiff and uncompro- 
mising ; she is dressed in a very old-fashioned style. 

Geraldine, a young girl, pretty and stylishly dressed. 

Miss Simpkins, a cook; grotesque and old-fashioned. 

3 



4 Suited at Last 

Miss Nobby, a young woman, cheaply dressed in the 
extreme of fashion, high heels, tight skirt, very airy. 

Colored Mammy, wears bright colors. 

Soldier, wears the uniform of a private, carrying an 
overseas cap. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi- 
ence, R. means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of 
stage ; c. d., center door • l. d., door at left ; up means to- 
ward back of stage ; down, toward footlights. 



Suited at Last 

Or 
Sauce Bordelaise 



SCENE. — Living-room of Dorothy's new home. Door 
at c. of back, and door down l. Window R. of d. 
Small table up l. A stand on which there is a 
pretty plant. Open piano, divan with cushions, 
table with shaded lamp. Phone, books, magazines, 
pad and pencil on table; or, if desired, the phone, 
etc., can be arranged on a small desk. Arm-chair at 
table. A straight-backed chair and easy-chairs, as 
desired. Mirror hanging wherever it is most con- 
venient. Pictures hanging on walls. Wedding gifts 
displayed everywhere. If desired, a dog may be 
kept somewhere on the stage. DISCOVERED 
Dorothy bustling about. 

Dorothy (putting things in their places, arranging 
books on table, moving chairs, etc. When finished she 
clasps her hands, and head on one side). There! 
(Takes up phone) Hello — Sunset 9205 — Mr. Hanford's 
office? Oh, is that you, Larry dear? (Smiles and sits 
down on arm of chair) I have just this moment finished 
putting the room in order, and everything looks simply 
adorable, and, oh, Larry ! I changed that colored photo- 
graph and hung it on the other side, just a little lower 
down. It looks so much better! You don't mind, do 
you, darling? No ? And oh, Larry, no one has answered 

our advertisement yet, and I'm getting nervous 

Sure to get some one? I wish you could help me inter- 
view them; I haven't the least idea how to go about it. 
What did you say ? Just talk up to them ? But, Larry, 

5 



6 Suited at Last 

I don't know what to say! If you were only here! 
What is it? (Hopefully) Oh, Larry, suppose I send 
them down to the office, so you can see them too! You 
haven't time? Well then, I'll do my best. (Bell rings 
off stage) There! — I hear the bell! Oh, Larry, I do 
dread it! Good-bye! (Puts down telephone, looks 
around nervously, and opens c. d.) 

ENTER Dorothy's Mother c. d. 

Dorothy (much relieved). Oh, mother, it's you! I 
thought it was the new cook ! 

Mother. No, not any kind of a cook, thank you! 
Haven 't you got the agony over yet ? 

Dorothy. No, our ad. only came out this morning. 
Sit down, mother ; how do you like everything ? 

Mother (looking around). Well, haven't you over- 
done it a little? 

Dorothy. Oh, do you really think so? The things 
are so dear, and we have only this one room for them. 
The dining-room is full of silver and cut glass and fancy 
china, or I might put some things in there. 

Mother (pointing to picture with parasol). Who 
gave you that horror ? 

Dorothy. Oh, mother, don't you like it? One of 
Larry's friends sent it. 

Mother, I am not crazy about it. By the way, are 
you going to the Aliens' this afternoon Bridge? 

Dorothy. No, I don't think so. Larry said he would 
be home early, and he likes to find me here. 

Mother (smiling, aside). Indeed! 

Dorothy. And besides, there's the new cook. Oh, 
mother, do tell me what to say to her ! 

Mother. I'm sure I don't know — just ask her if she 
knows how to cook, and tell her you'll try her. Be sure 
to ask her if she can make good entrees and salads. And 
ask her if she knows how to make Sauce Bordelaise— 
that's always the test of a good cook. 

Dorothy. How do you spell it? 



Suited at Last 7 

Mother. S-a-u-c-e B-o-r-d-e-l-a-i-s-e. And tell her 
she must wear a cap and apron when she waits on the 
table — and don't give her more than one night out a 
week. She must be on hand to answer the door-bell ; and 
she can serve at card parties and afternoon teas. 

Dorothy. What ought she to do besides cooking and 
waiting? 

Mother. Well, everything, I suppose. Oh, I don't 
know, Dorothy. Delia and Mary always look after things. 
{Getting up and going to mirror) How do you like 
this hat? 

Dorothy. Oh, very well! But, mother, how shall I 
do about the ordering? 

Mother (still looking in mirror and arranging hat). 
You don 't think it makes me look too old, do you ? 

Dorothy (impatiently). No. Of course not. Shall 
I leave everything to her, or ought I to order everything 
myself ? 

Mother (carelessly). Oh, leave it to her. Delia al- 
ways telephones from the kitchen. What time would I 
have for my social duties if I bothered about housekeep- 
ing? Just tell her to plan the meals, and order what she 
wants. 

Dorothy [doubtfully). It doesn't seem just the right 
way to begin somehow — Larry says 

Mother. What did you put that table in the corner 
for? It would look ever so much better farther out in 
the room, and this chair would be better nearer the piano, 
I think. 

Dorothy. Do you think so? Well, perhaps it would. 

Mother. Try it and see! (Moves table and chairs. 
Dorothy rather reluctantly helping her) There now! 
Don't you like that better? Now I'll have to be going; I 
have a luncheon engagement. Don't worry about the 
cook, Dorothy. Put on plenty of dignity when she 
comes. Let her see you are mistress in your own house. 
And don't forget about the entrees and salads, and the 
Sauce Bordelaise, and one night out a week. You're sure 
this hat doesn 't make me 1 ook too old ? ( Doroti i y shakes 



8 Suited at Last 

her head) Well, 111 run in again and see how you get 
on. Good-bye. [EXIT Mother c. d. 

Dorothy (closes door; sinking in chair). Well, I 
don't see that mother has helped me very much. (Takes 
pencil and pad and writes down notes) Entrees — salads 
— Sauce Bordelaise — One-night-out-a-week — cap-and- 
apron — (Replaces furniture as it was before) There! 
it 's my house ! (Bell rings. Dorothy hastily turns and 
assumes great dignity of manner and advances slowly 
and haughtily to c. d.) 

ENTER Geraldine c. d. The two girls exclaim and fall 
into each other's arms. 

Dorothy. Oh, Geraldine! I thought you were a 
cook — such a relief ! 

Geraldine. Oh, you dear thing ! Just think of com- 
ing to see you in your own house! Where's Larry? 

Dorothy (with dignity). Down-town, of course. 

Geraldine (sitting on arm of chair). So he's gone 
back to work, and the honeymoon's over! 

Dorothy (still dignified). We never expect it to be 
over ! 

Geraldine. But, Dot, it 's bound to wane and go out, 
like any other moon ! Of course it will come again, and 
— go again ! You and Larry are not different from other 
people ! 

Dorothy. Oh yes, our love is different! We are 
quite sure no one else ever loved just as we do ! 

Geraldine (jumping up) . Oh, well, you'll come down 
to earth after awhile! Show me your things, do! Is 
this the piano your dad gave you? 

Dorothy. Yes ; Larry loves to hear me play. 

Geraldine. You'll be having a victrola after awhile. 

Dorothy. Oh no, Larry says 

Geraldine. Mercy, Dorothy! (Pointing to cushion) 
Who on earth gave you that ? Help ! 

Dorothy. That's the pillow Aunt Jane made. — Isn't 
it too dreadful? 



Suited at Last 9 

Geraldine. Why do you keep it in here? 

Dorothy. I have to — she might drop in any day. 
But I keep the wrong side out, and when she comes, I 
can just turn it around, and there it is — sitting up to be 
admired, all ready for her. Larry will shy it behind 
the piano, though. 

Geraldine (solemnly). It is really the most appalling 
thing of its kind I ever saw. I couldn't sleep in the same 
house with it. If I did, I'd moan in my sleep ! 

Dorothy. Do you like the way we've arranged the 
things? I put Larry's chair near the table, so he can 
drop into it at night to smoke and read his paper. 

Geraldine. Well, I should let him find his own chair 
to drop into! It looks altogether too comfortable — he'll 
go to sleep in it some night. Now I like chairs scattered 
around more — vis-a-vis, you know, as though people had 
just been sitting there talking. More like this — (Moving 
table and chair out again to same position Mother had 
them) And really, Dorothy, that plant is quite hidden 
by the piano — it doesn't show up! 

Dorothy (not much pleased). Possibly! 

Geraldine (moving out plant, then stepping back). 
There, that's better! Now, you see your room has more 
the air of a drawing-room. It doesn't look so much like 
a family sitting-room. Larry should never feel encour- 
aged to sit in here in his smoking- jacket and slippers. 
You'll entertain a lot, I hope? 

Dorothy. Oh, I suppose so. But Larry says this 
must be a real home just the same. 

Geraldine. Oh, of course! Will your new cook be 
equal to it ? 

Dorothy (looking anxious). I don't know. I haven't 
interviewed any one yet. How shall I talk to her, Ger- 
aldine? Did you ever see a cook engaged? 

Geraldine. Oh, I 've seen mother do it once or twice. 
You must look very haughty — have you a lorgnette? 
That helps a lot. Look her over, and keep her standing 
up while you talk to her. You must make her respect 
you from the start. 



10 Suited at Last 

Dorothy. But, Geraldine, I don't know a blessed 
thing about housekeeping! However am I going to tell 
her what to do ? 

Geraldine. Oh, shell probably be worse seared than 
you are. Rattle off a lot of things you expect her to 
know — bluff ! 

Dorothy (looking at notes). Mother says I must be 
sure she understands entrees and salads, and Sauce Bor- 
delaise, and she must wear a cap and apron in the dining- 
room and she mustn't have more than one night out a 
week, and — — 

Geraldine (nodding her head at each item). Put 
down fancy cakes for afternoon teas, and tell her she will 
be expected to bathe and brush Topsy. It is always best 
to have these things understood in the very beginning. 

Dorothy (writing notes). Well, I am very grateful 
for any suggestions, I'm sure. Cakes — afternoon tea — 
Topsy 

Geraldine. And teach her to come to the door of the 
drawing-room and announce dinner. 

Dorothy. Larry says the cook ought to be on the 
same footing as a business employee — new ideas, you 
know. He says she ought to have certain hours off and 
certain hours on just like a man, and the work ought to 
be standardized. 

Geraldine. Whatever does he mean by that ? 

Dorothy. I don't know! He got me a book on 
Household Engineering and I tried to read it — but it's 
rather dry. 

Geraldine. You can't keep house out of a book — it 
just comes naturally. 

Dorothy (mournfully). It doesn't to me. Larry 
says men make better housekeepers than women, anyway. 

Geraldine. Why ? 

Dorothy. Oh, he says they don't fuss about little 
things, and they have more system. 

Geraldine. Yes, and I read about a man that kept 
house while his wife was away — and he had a green 
Swede for a cook, and he gave her the recipes like chem- 



Suited at Last 11 

ical formulas, and he organized the kitchen, and had 
things running on schedule — and when he got her all 
trained, and his wife came home, she left for higher 
wages, There you are ! 

Dorothy. Larry says a house ought to be run like an 
iron foundry or a shoe factory. 

Geraldine. It simply can't be done! (Going lei- 
surely to window) 

Dorothy. Larry is strong for efficiency — he even sug- 
gested a man for a cook ! He says it is the only solution 
of the servant problem. 

Geraldine. What an idea! He's wheeley! 

Dorothy. Listen! I hear some one! Who is it, 
Geraldine, can you see? 

Geraldine (looking out of the window). Mercy, Dor- 
othy! It's your Aunt Jane! How can I get out? 

Dorothy. Don't go, Geraldine! She won 't stay long 
— help me out ! 

Geraldine. Not on your life! She might want to 
kiss me! Good-bye, I'll run over to-morrow. (EXIT 
d. l. Dorothy hastily rearranges furniture and opens 
c. d.) 

ENTER Aunt Jane c. d. 

Aunt Jane (embracing Dorothy, and offering both 
cheeks to be kissed). My dear child! What a pleasure 
to see you in your own home and well away from the 
frivolities of your mother 's house. 

Dorothy (hastily turning the sofa cushion). Sit 
down here, Aunt Jane; this is Larry's own chair, and I 
will bring you a footstool. 

Aunt Jane. Don't give me that chair, child, I never 
lolled in a chair in my life ! I was taught to sit on the 
end of my spine when I was young. (Selecting a straight- 
chair) No footstool, thank you ! Now tell me all about 
it. How do you get on with housekeeping? 

Dorothy (embarrassed). I haven't really begun, 
Aunt Jane. I have just been unpacking the wedding 
gifts and arranging the house, and we have been dining 



12 Suited at Last] 

down-town; but I am looking for a cook this morning, 
and then we shall really begin to keep house. 

Aunt Jane (sniffing). If you were a sensible girl, 
you would dispense with a maid entirely and be your 
own housekeeper for a while. 

Dorothy. But, Aunt Jane, I don't know anything 
about it! 

Aunt Jane. I never supposed for a moment you did ! 
How could you learn anything from a mother who is 
always on the go, and spends half her time playing 
cards ! 

Dorothy. Could you tell me some of the things I 
ought to say to the cook? I don't want her to find me 
out right away ! 

Aunt Jane (settling down to enjoy herself). Well, 
you must have a system from the first. There must be 
regular days for doing everything; Monday, wash-day; 
Tuesday, ironing day; Wednesday, cleaning the silver 
and kitchen; Thursday and Friday are sweeping days; 
Saturday, baking day. (During this recital Dorothy 
clasps her head in both hands in despair, and hastily 
seizes pencil and note-book) 

Dorothy. Mother says she must know how to make 
entrees and salads, and Sauce Bordelaise. 

Aunt Jane. That sounds like Amelia ! Entrees and 
salads! Sauce Bordelaise! You had better feed your 
husband on good soups and roasts and not bother about 
such stuff ! 

Dorothy. But they are for entertaining, and — (Read- 
ing from notes) The cook must always wear a cap and 
apron in the dining-room and be here to answer the bell 
every afternoon and every night, but one. 

Aunt Jane. Humph ! You may find a down-trodden 
slave who will give up all her time that way, but I 
doubt it. 

Dorothy. Who brushes and bathes your cat, Aunt 
Jane? 

Aunt Jane (jumping), Sakes, child! she does it her- 
pelf ! What on earth do you mean? 



Suited at Last 13 

Dorothy. Nothing; only Geraldine said the maid 
ought to wash and brush Topsy. 

Aunt Jane. Well, it seems to me you might attend to 
that yourself. How much time is she going to have to 
fool with that dog? You had better set her to work put- 
ting up fruit in her spare moments! But if she keeps 
this house as it should be kept, she isn't going to have 
any. Are all your floors bare, with just rugs? 

Dorothy. Yes, Aunt Jane. 

Aunt Jane. That will take all of one woman's time 
then. And I suppose you have silver enough to fill a 
bank vault ? 

Dorothy. We have a good deal, and we have it all 
out; we believe in using things. It looks so well ar- 
ranged around the dining-room! 

Aunt Jane (groaning) . Think of the rubbing ! And 
I suppose you have a lot of brass too ? 

Dorothy. Oh, yes. Fenders and candlesticks and 
jardinieres, and wood-boxes. 

Aunt Jane (grimly). She will have to be an early 
riser ! 

Dorothy (writing). I'll just put that down too, so 
she'll understand. 

Aunt Jane (getting up, walking about and picking up 
things). What a curiosity shop you've got here! Oh, 
I see you have my wedding gift there. (Pointing to 
pillow) And very well placed too ! 

Dorothy (patting it and shaking it up). Isn't it? 
I was wondering if it might not fade, keeping it out this 
way. Perhaps I had better 

Aunt Jane. No, leave it where it is ; the sun doesn 't 
strike it. I am glad it gives you so much pleasure, child. 

Dorothy. Yes, Aunt Jane. 

Aunt Jane (walking toward door). Well, Dorothy, 
I don't know what other instructions to give you. But 
don't forget to speak right out in the beginning about 
gentlemen friends. Cooks usually have policemen and 
cousins enough to eat you out of house and home. 
(Dorothy tries to write notes, but cannot keep up with 



14 Suited at Last 

the flow) And don't forget to have her save all the fat 
to make soap. (She opens and shuts door after each sen- 
tence) And let her understand she is to bake bread at 
least twice a week. And don't let her forget that she 
will soon have to begin making mince-meat. If she 
doesn't know how, I will send you your grandmother's 
recipe. I can't think of anything else — (Turning back) 
Oh, yes, make her wash out the brooms every week and 
stand them on end in the sun. And she must always 
wash out her dust-cloths. (Dorothy goes to c. d.) 
Good-bye, dear, I will run in from time to time and see 
how you get on. You may kiss me good-bye ! (Offering 
first one cheek and then the other) 

[EXIT Aunt Jane c. d. 

Dorothy (closes c. d. and throws herself into a chair, 
exhausted). Oh, heavens! All that! (Knock d. l.) 
Oh, it may be the ice-man ! ( Opening d. l.) No, thanks, 
you needn't leave any ice. 

Voice (off stage). It's going to be a hot day, lady! 

Dorothy. Yes, but we don't need ice — we have a re- 
frigerator! (Bell rings as she closes door) Oh, there 
she is now! (Smoothes gown, seizes lorgnette, walks 
slowly to c. d. and opens it) 

ENTER Cook c. d., a grotesque, old-fashioned figure. 

Dorothy. Did you come in answer to my advertise- 
ment? 

Cook. Yes'm, I just did, and I had an awful time 
finding your house. (Dorothy seats herself in large 
chair, while Cook remains standing. She looks around 
for a chair, but is not asked to sit) 

Dorothy. What is your name, please ? 

Cook. Miss Simpkins. 

Dorothy. But your other name ? 

Cook. You can call me Daisy ! 

Dorothy. Well, er— Daisy, I— have you brought any 
references from your last place ? 

Cook. Well, I can't say as I have, ma'am. You see, 



Suited at Last 15 

I was working in an Insane Asylum and before that I 
cooked at home. 

Dorothy (startled). Insane Asylum! But I want a 
cook — a woman for general housework ! 

Cook. Oh, I can cook all right! Just two in the 
family ? 

Dorothy. Yes ; but can you make Sauce Bordelaise ? 

Cook. What's that? 

Dorothy. I don't know! (Looks at notes) "We ex- 
pect to entertain a great deal, you see, and we want home- 
made bread, and the brooms must be kept out in the 
back yard, and all soap is made from fat, and Mondays 
you iron what you wash on Tuesdays ; no, I mean Tues- 
days you iron — and then you clean — let me see — one day 
it's silver and brasses, and the next all the hardwood 
floors, and you must wear a cap in the dining-room, and 
do you understand entrees and salads, and serving at 
afternoon teas and card parties? 

Cook (looks overwhelmed, and fans herself ivith hand- 
kerchief). Excuse me, ma'am, but if I might sit down, 
maybe I might understand better. (Sits down on edge 
of chair) 

Dorothy (continues reading from notes). Oh, yes, 
Saturday you bake, and Topsy has his bath too, on Sat- 
urday. (Looking up to observe effect) 

Cook. And who's Topsy? 

Dorothy. My dog ! 

Cook (moving uneasily). Oh! 

Dorothy. And every other Wednesday my card-club 
meets here, and you must be all ready to serve tea and 
cakes, and one Thursday a month my Luncheon Club 
meets here, and we always have five courses, and 

Cook (rolling her eyes) . Mercy ! Excuse me, ma'am, 
how many help do you keep ? 

Dorothy. One, of course — there are only two of us! 
And you have one night out a week, because the other 
nights you must sit up to answer the bell, and Aunt Jane 
says on no account must we keep policemen on the prem- 
ises. 



16 Suited at Last 

Cook (looking uneasy and edging her chair away). 
Policemen ! 

Dorothy. Yes, policemen and cousins, and you must 
announce dinner — and, oh, yes, — mince-meat! Grand- 
mother comes in on that, so we needn 't bother, and Aunt 
Jane said something about putting up fruit, and getting 
up early 

Cook (rising). Excuse me, ma'am, but was you ever 
in an Insane Asylum ? 

Dorothy (moving toward telephone). Horrors! No! 
Why? 

Cook. Well, I've seen a good many that rattled on 
just as you're doing now. What do you think I am any- 
how, lady? Do you know you've laid out enough work 
for three women ? I ain't any up-to-date vacuum cleaner 
to do the house up in half an hour, nor yet a washing 
machine, or a mangle or a fireless cooker ! I 'm just hu- 
man, and I'd like to see any born human being do the 
things you expect ! 

Dorothy. But — Aunt Jane 

Cook. Aunt Jane, indeed! I thought I was coming 
to a nice little family in a nice clean new house to do old- 
fashioned housework, but I 'd rather go back to the Asy- 
lum, and listen to the poor foolish things talkin'. They 
don't mean nothing, but you mean every blessed thing 
you've said, even if you haven't sense enough to under- 
stand what you're talkin' about. (During this speech 
and the following Cook advances angrily toward Dor- 
othy, who goes back timidly, taking refuge behind furni- 
ture) 

Dorothy (surprised). But — I only— told you what 
Aunt Jane 

Cook. Don't Aunt Jane me! I ain't no machine, 
ma'am, that you wind up and keep going! I'm just hu- 
man, and I guess I'll be going— -it's a machine you want, 
and I'll hope you'll find it! Good-day, ma'am! The 
Asylum for me ! ^ [EXIT Cook c. d. 

Dorothy (wringing her hands and hurrying to tele- 
phone). Sunset 9205. Is this you, Larry? Oh! it's 



Suited at Last 17 

been too dreadful, Larry — a cook came and now she's 
gone. Why, mother came in and told me some things I 
must say to her; and she moved the furniture around. 
Then Geraldine came and she told me a lot more, and 
she moved the furniture around too. And then Aunt 
Jane fairly poured out things to me— and I wrote them 
all down, and when the cook came, I just told her every- 
thing! I don't think I left out anything, but she went 
up in the air and she said I didn 't know what I was talk- 
ing about, and now she's gone — and, oh, Larry, — what 
did you say? I told her too much ? Let her do some of 
the talking? But she did! I know — but mother and 
Geraldine and Aunt Jane — let their advice go hang? 
But — I didn't know! (Motor horn is heard, then bell) 
Oh, there's the bell! It's another one! Good-bye! 
(Looks through window) Of all things! This one has 
a Ford! (Opening c. d.) Good-morning! 

ENTER Miss Nobby c. d. 

Miss Nobby (looking around and not waiting to be 
questioned). How many in family? Do you do your 
own reaching? What time do you have breakfast? 
How many nights off do I get ? I don't do any washing, 
nor ironing either, and I don't clean windows. Is it a 
nice neighborhood? I have to have every Wednesday 
afternoon for my singing lesson, and I'll want the use of 
your piano an hour a day. I hope it's in tune! Do I 
get every other Sunday — and is your husband good-na- 
tured? I don't like waiting on table, but if I do-— I get 
sixty ! 

Dorothy (staggered, leaning against door) . Really — 
I — can you cook? * 

Miss Nobby. Sure! 

Dorothy. Can you make Sauce Bordelaise? 

Miss Nobby. I wouldn't bother with it! The best 
families don't use it any more. 

Dorothy. Well, I really couldn't think of engaging 
any one who cannot make Sauce Bordelaise. 



18 Suited at Last 

Miss Nobby (going toward c. d.). Oh, all right! I 
can get sixty-five any day ! Good-morning ! 

[EXIT Miss Nobby c. b. 

Dorothy (going to telephone). And I never told her 
a single thing ! She did every bit of the talking ! Hello ! 
9205 — Larry, is that you? But, Larry, I didn't know 
you were busy ! I just wanted to tell you about the 
other cook — I thought you'd be so interested! No — she 
— but, Larry, it's tragic going through all this alone — I 
wish you'd come up — please, Larry! Hello — Hello — 
he's rung off! (Sitting down in great dejection. Bell 
rings) There's the bell again! Heaven help me! 
(Goes to c. d.) 

ENTER Colored "Woman c. d. with two small children. 
Sits down. 

Mammy. How de do, ma 'am. I heard 'bout your ad- 
vertise, and I come right over. ( While she is talking, the 
children scamper around room, handling things) Come 
here, Chlorindy, leave dem things alone. 

Dorothy (dismayed). Are these your children? 

Mammy. Yas'm, bof of 'em — Chlorindy and Esmer- 
aldy — I brung 'em along, 'cause I allays has 'em wif me 
when I takes a place. They 're powerful bright, Mistus — 
you'll just love to have 'em 'round. Esmeraldy, leave 
datdog alone ! He'll bite you li'l' haid off ! (NOTE.— 
If inconvenient to procure a dog, the last two sentences 
can be omitted) 

Dorothy. Can you cook? 

Mammy. Yas'm, I'm a sure 'nough cook. 

Dorothy. But I haven 't room for your family ! 

Mammy. Oh, dey don't take up no room, Mistus, dey 
can just play in heah mawnings ! (Qhlorinda bangs on 
piano) Chilluns, come 'way from dere! 

Dorothy (rising and looking around desperately). 
Oh— can you make Sauce Bordelaise? 

Mammy. No'm, I ain't no hair-dresser, I'm a cook! 

Dorothy. Well, I'm afraid you won't do! (EXIT 
Mammy and Children c. d. Dorothy shuts door 



Suited at Last 19 

and moves to telephone — stops and thinks — puts it 
down) If any one else comes, I'm not going to 
open the door! (Bell rings) I'm not at home! 
I can't stand any more of it! {Bell rings again) 
I'll just take a peep! (Opening door a crack and 
speaking to invisible applicant) You needn't come 
in unless you'll cook and wait on the table and be sen- 
sible about things — and make Sauce Bordelaise, and take 
forty dollars! — All right then — Good-bye! (Goes to 
telephone in determined manner) Sunset 9205 — Larry! 
I don't care if you are busy — I'm busy too! And I'm 
a nervous wreck! They are all impossible — and we'll 
have to go and live in a hotel ! What is it ? Get a man ? 
I don't want a man! I won't have a man! (Knock at 
c. d. Dorothy jumps nervously) There — I'll call up 
later — Good-bye! (Crosses room and opens c. d.) 

ENTER Soldier c. d., wearing a private's uniform with 
overseas cap in hand. 

Soldier. Good-morning, madam ! I saw your ad. in 
the paper this morning — and I thought I'd come around 
and see about the place. 

Dorothy (overcome with surprise). But I advertised 
for a cook ! 

Soldier. Yes, ma'am, I know, but you didn't say what 
kind of a cook. You said : Wanted — a cook, willing to 
do general housework in small family. 

Dorothy (sitting down, while Soldier still stands, cap 
in hand, near door). But you can't cook, can you? 

Soldier (turning his cap over and smiling) . Oh, sure, 
lady! I did Kitchen Police in camp for three months 
before I went over — and after I'd been in the trenches 
six months I was glad to do it again ! Since I came back 
and been discharged I tried to get my old job back — but 
they'd given it to a woman and she wouldn't give it up 
— and I 've tried for about everything I was fit for — and 
waited weeks for vacancies — and found about ten men 
after every job 



20 Suited at Last 

Dorothy. But you don't understand — I really want 
some one to do all sorts of things — cook — wait on table — 
clean house 

Soldier (advancing a few steps). For God's sake, 
Madam — give me a chance ! I Ve got to do something — 
I 'm down and out — and that 's the truth ! I '11 show you 
my discharge papers — I can clean anything on earth that 
has to be rubbed or scrubbed — 1 11 work in your garden — 
I'll brush your husband's clothes — I'll clean the win- 
dows — (Coming nearer) I'll keep the knives sharp — 
and that's something a woman never does! I'll go to 
market every morning and keep your bills down — I'll 
bathe the dog — and I can cook for sure! I got on to a 
lot of things over there I 'd never even heard of before ! 
I can make Omelette Souffle — and Chicken Croquettes — 
and Frangipanni pates — and I can make Sauce Borde- 
laise ! 

Dorothy (clasping her hands). Sauce Bordelaise! 
(Then with solemn impressiveness) You're engaged! 
(Motions him to d. l. He turns at door, salutes, and 
EXITS d. l. as she returns the salute. Dorothy 
dashes to telephone and speaks as curtain goes 
down). Oh, Larry, I've something to tell you— 
really something this time! {Curtain goes down and 
rises again, Dorothy still at telephone) What do you 
think is out in the kitchen? A real, honest-to-goodness 
cook — and oh, Larry, she's a man, and we are suited at 
last! 



CURTAIN 



PLAYS WE RECOMMEND 

Fifteen Cents Each (Postage, 1 Cent Extra) 



Unless Otherwise Mentioned 



Arabian Nights 
Bundle of Matches (27c.) 
Crawford's Claim (27c.) 
Rer Ladyship's Niece (27c.) 
Just for Fun (27c.) 

Men, Maids, Matchmakers 
Our Boys 
Puzzled Detective 
Three Hats 
Timothy Delano's 

Courtship 
Up-to-Date Anne 
White Shawl (27c.) 

Fleeing Flyer 
From Punkin' Ridge 
Handy Solomon 
Hoosier School 
Kiss in the Dark 
Larry 
Love Birds* Matrimonial 

Agency 
Married Lovers 
Ma's New Boarders (27c.) 
Mrs. Forester's Crusade 
New Pastor 
Relations 

Standing Room Only 
Stormy Night 
Surprises (27c.) 

Tangles (27c.) 

Little Rogue Next Door 
'Till Three P. M, 
Train to Mauro 
When Women Rule 
Won by a Kodak 
April Fools 
Fun in a Schoolroom 
Little Red Mare 
Manager's Trials 
Medica 

Mischievous Bob 
Cheerful Companion 
Dolly's Double 
Drifted Apart 
Gentle Touch 
John's Emmy 
Point of View 
Professor's Truant Glove 
Belles of Blackville 
Sweet Family (27c.) 

Conspirators (27c.) 

A Day and a Night (27c.) 
Gertrude Mason, M.D. (27c.) 
In Other People's Shoes 
Maidens All Forlorn (27c.) 
Mary Ann 

Romance of Phyllis (27c.) 
Fuss vs. Feathers 
Tanglefoot vs. Peruna 
Great Libel Case 



Acts Males Females Time 



Farce 


3 


4 


5 


2y 4 h 


Comedy 


2 


1 


7 


l%h 


Drama 


3 


9 


8 


2J4h 

iy 2 h 


Comedy 


4 


4 


4 




3 


2 


4 


2h 


" (27c.) 


3 


4 


4 


2h 


" 


3 


6 


4 


2h 


Farce 


3 


5 


3 


lh 


" 


3 


5 


4 


2h 


Comedy 


2 


2 


3 


lh 


" 


2 


2 


8 


lh 


Farce 


2 


3 


3 


iy a h 






4 


8 


iy±h 


Drama 




6 


3 


iy 4 h 


Farce 




2 


2 


20m 






5 


5 


30m 






2 


3 


45m 






4 


4 


45m 


" 




3 


4 


30m 


Comedy 




2 


4 


45m 


Farce 




4 


4 


80m 


" 




1 


2 


80m 


Sketch 




2 


2 


30m 


Farce 




3 


1 


20m 


Comedy 




3 


1 


35m 


" 




3 


1 


40m 


Farce 




2 


3 


30m 


" 




4 


2 


30m 






2 


3 


40m 


" 




2 


1 


20m 






2 


1 


15m 






2 


4 


15m 


Comedy 




2 


3 


50m 


Farce 




3 





30m 


" 




4 





40m 


" 




3 





35m 


" 




9 





45m 


" 




7 





35m 


Comedy 




6 





40m 


Dialogue 







2 
1 

1 


25m 
20m 
80m 








1 


30m 


;; 






1 

1 
1 


20m 
20m 
20m 


Minstrel 







any no. 


2h 


Entertainment 







8 


lh 


Comedy 







12 


40m 


" 







10 


lh 


Farce 







7 


80m 


Comedy 







8 


50m 









6 


i%n 









5 


30m 









4 


l%h 


Mock Trial 




4 


4 


80m 


" " 




7 


18 


iy 2 h 


" " 




21 





2h 




PLAYS WE RECOMMEND 

For Schools and Colleges 




Comedy 


3 


8 


6 


2h 


Farce 


3 


12 


4 


2y 4 h 


Farce 


1 


2 


1 


lh 


Comedy 


3 


4 


4 


2h 


«« 


3 


6 


4 


2%h 


" 


4 


5 


3 


2h 


" 


2 


3 


8 


iy 4 h 


«< 


4 


13 


4 


2%h 


Farce 


3 


7 


5 


2h 


Drama 


3 


8 


4 


2y 4 h 


Comedy 


3 


5 


4 


2h 


Comedy 


3 


7 


4 


2%h 


« 


3 


3 


3 


l%h 


«« 


3 


6 


9 


l%h 


(i 


3 


7 


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2y 2 h 


Farce 


2 


8 


4 


2h . 


Comedy 


3 


4 


4 


2h 


" 




7 


5 


2h 


Farce 




2 


3 


50m 


Comedy 




3 


1 


iy 4 h 


Drama 




2 


1 


25m 


Comedy 




3 


2 


lh 


Drama 




5 


? 


30m 


Western Sk. 




3 


1 


lh 


Comedy 




4 


7 


2%h 


" 




5 


4 


50m 


Sketch 







8 


50m 



Twenty-five cents (Postage 2 cents extra) 

Acts Males Females Time 

Irish Eden 

Kidnapped Freshman 

Matrimonial Tiff 

Little Savage 

Lodgers Taken In 

Miss Mosher of Colorado 

Miss Neptune 

My Uncle from India 

Never Again 

New England Folks 

Next Door 

Oak Farm 

Kiddles 

Rosebrook Farm 

Stubborn Motor Car 

Too Many Husbands 

When a Man's Single 

Where the Lane Turned 

After the Honeymoon 

Biscuits and Bills 

Chance at Midnight 

Conquest of Helen 

The Coward 

Sheriff of Tuckahoe 

Bashful Mr. Bobbs 

Whose Widow 

Alice's Blighted Profes- 
sion 

Regular Girls 

100% American 

Parlor Patriots 

Fads and Fancies 

Mr. Loring's Aunts 

My Son Arthur 

Sewing Circle Meets 

Every Senior 

Bride and Groom 

Last Chance 

Bubbles 

Hurricane Wooing 

Peggy's Predicament 

Found in a Closet 

Slacker (?) for the Cause 

Baby Scott 

Billy's Bungalow 

College Chums 

Delegates from Denver 

Football Romance 

Held for Postage 

In the Absence of Susan 

Transaction in Stocks 

Aunt Dinah's Quilting 
Party 

Bachelor Maids' Reunion 

In the Ferry House " 

Rustic Minstrel Show " 

Ye Village Skewl of Long 
Ago 

Rainbow Kimona " 

Rosemary Comedy 

Pharaoh's Knob " 



Entertainment 
Comedy 

Sketch 
Comedy 

Entertainment 
Morality play 
Farce 
Comedy 



Sketch 

Farce 

Comedy 

Farce 

Comedy 

Farce 

Comedy 
Entertainment 




